This week at LWBC had been one of the most troubling and challenging weeks of my life. I have realized how much of my life has been and still is being eaten away by depression and self-hatred. I have said before in other journals that I have atrophied, my brain and now I am realizing my body. The cost was much more than I thought.

Coming from a life of depression to the Lord is something that is something that I really struggle with and also find far more difficult than one would think.

The disappointments have been many; the victories glorious. The intensity level of this experience has been extreme. My faith, my beliefs, my strength has been put to the test. Everything I am has been transformed , hopefully to further God’s will and not some lousy trick of the devil.

My body is sore and weak, my mind is processing information at a tremendous rate. I have so many things going through my mind. Some good, some bad. Some planted by Christ, others trying to supplant the Love of God.

How do I process this information. How do I make sense of it. How do I not self-sabotage myself and destroy God’s work inside me. How do I make sure that I process this right and not let Satan twist it in my mind.

As I started this entry I realized that my journey as a Christian, new or otherwise is from death to life. From the atrophied death of depression to the Christ-full mind of a disciple.

I don’t know for sure if this week was what I would call a good week. I would say it was an extremely challenging week stretching me more than I expected.

I came to LWBC to serve the Lord. I have to admit that I am not serving the Lord the way that I want to. I came knowingly to serve as a dishwasher, but so wanted to serve by being a teacher. I only was able to give a couple minute testimony last night at the camp fire, but I felt that the way it was set up, that the time was for them and not not for me.

There is a part of me that is angry and disappointed that I was not able to say more. There also is a part of me wonders do I have a right to be a teacher. I had many ups and downs, in my life, even in this experience this week. What right do I have to think I can teach. It is what I really want. I want so much to make an impact in people’s life by the Lord using me to teach. I may not be to the level that Chuck is or that others are at. But I do have a message.

The question of my teaching, and testimony, is that about my vanity or is it truly the Lord’s work. It is a question which i don’t think I really have an answer for right now. I sound like a whiny little brat a lot.

Tower
Determined to face my fears
Girded with confidence,
Needing to prove to myself
No longer scared
Starting Strong
One step at a time

Needing to conquer
Climbing higher and higher
vain in my confidence
Reaching towards the top

Strength waning
Fingers slipping
Losing momentum
I can’t do it alone
I am going to fall
I am going to fail

A voice to focus on.
A prayer whispered
Holding on to the faith
Falling far, but locked in place
Praying harder, scared, hurt but confident
The Lord will provide.

Lowered down in weakness
bowing to the King
Greeted with Love
Lesson learned
Failure defeated, Victory WON!

Dear Lord
This unfaithful, unworthy servant of yours is trying to serve your purpose at LWBC. I struggle with the means you wish me to do it. I struggle with my pride and with my arrogance. I am sorry I am not as good of a servant tat I want to be. I struggle with my pride, my arrogance, and my depression. I hurt Lord, in my heart I hurt so much. I am lonely. I am sad. I am hear with all sorts of people and I feel alone. I am sorry Lord that I am such a miserable servant. Please help me become a better servant and more content in my position over the next week. I want to serve you, I just don’t know how.

Please give me the knowledge Lord. Please give me the patience and skill to be in the dishwashing and to be a good servant of yours. I want to give to you everything I am, but am finding that I am struggling with it. I know that sounds stupid.

Please forgive my sins of anger, pride, and my lying thinking I could e a good servant. Please teach me to be a humble servant of yours.

In your worthy name I pray
amen

Song of the Redeemed
Em        G ?We sing it in the darkest place?C2?Cause love is in Your powerful name?Em       G?Shine the light of beauty and grace?C2?We’re living in the name that can save
C2        D         Em?We sing to You the song of the redeemed?C2         D         Em?You’ve beautified our hearts and made us clean?C2       D          Em?You’ve rescued us from death and set us free?C2       D         Em?We sing to You the song of the redeemed
C2         G      Am        C2?We adore You and before You,?G        Am        C2?forgiven  and  redeemed?C2     G        Am       C2       G        Am                 C2?All races        from all places, around the cross we sing

Comments for an article that Patrick Mead who writes Tent Pegs
http://tentpegs.blogspot.com/2006_07_01_tentpegs_archive.html

I really appreciate your blog. I like it’s honesty. I really appreciate this post because this is a subject which I deal with all the time. In fact I am someday going to start a blog about my struggles of depression, and anger and being a Christian.

I have suffered from depression for the last 32 years. I have always had it. I have gone to several psychiatrist, even more counselors and have been on even more medication. All of them worked to some way, shape or form. In general that relief never lasted. Note: I am not saying this to say that other people won’t benefit from therapy or from medication. I am one of those who are med-resistant.

I am a new Christian, I gave my life to Christ just over a year. Learning who my identity in Christ was an incredible discovery for me. Learning that I am valuable to Christ.

I believe their is a very BIG spiritual component to depression. I am not saying that depression is a sin or anything like that. If it is, I am in VERY big trouble. I am saying that if your focus is on Christ’s grace and love it helps.

Depression is something I struggle with everyday. Wanting to die is something I struggle with everyday. I don’t know if it is my flesh or Satan whispering these thoughts in my ear. I don’t have those answers all I know is I am in battle.

Renee asks what she can do to help those who are suffering depression. My answer, be a friend, develop a relationship with them, a relationship full of Christ’s love. Forget the rest, leave that to the experts.

I would do a lot for a friend who just wants to be my friend.

My point is this. I believe that depression is partially a spiritual disease. It steals the soul.

The sad truth is that I loathe myself. I dislike myself. I wish I was dead. That has been something that I have fought against for most of my life. Everyday I wish I was dead. Everyday I visualize it and think about it.

I loathe myself so much I dishonor God. I purposefully sin. I purposefully set myself up to fail to despise myself more.

God please forgive me for my stupidities! All the time I know I don’t deserve your grace. I am just tired Lord, I wish I could find peace but I have none in my heart. I just have despair and sadness. Please help me lord. Please help me do your will, despite my wishes just to die. I hate who I am and I need your help to transform. Please forgive me for my sins and sinful thinking.

What good is it that no matter what I do I feel like a failure. I every once in a while feel like I am on your path and I feel like I am doing the right thing and then I screw up. I hurt someone. I make a mistake and I am jumped on like I am the biggest screwup in the world. Maybe I am not jumped on but that is what it seems like in my head.

How do you tell people that more days than not, you wish you were dead. How do I even approach the Lord. I never have deserved his Grace and as much as anyone else. I just want to die. It is not something easily discussed. People don’t get it. I don’t get it. It is what I am feeling. Maybe it is Satan whispering in my ear. Maybe it is my flesh. What ever it is, it is real in my head. It is a battle. I am not winning it right now.

How shamed I am by the way I think and feel and am thankful God has grace. I will live by HIS will and not mine. Thank you Lord for your love and Grace.

In your name
Amen