Comments for an article that Patrick Mead who writes Tent Pegs
http://tentpegs.blogspot.com/2006_07_01_tentpegs_archive.html

I really appreciate your blog. I like it’s honesty. I really appreciate this post because this is a subject which I deal with all the time. In fact I am someday going to start a blog about my struggles of depression, and anger and being a Christian.

I have suffered from depression for the last 32 years. I have always had it. I have gone to several psychiatrist, even more counselors and have been on even more medication. All of them worked to some way, shape or form. In general that relief never lasted. Note: I am not saying this to say that other people won’t benefit from therapy or from medication. I am one of those who are med-resistant.

I am a new Christian, I gave my life to Christ just over a year. Learning who my identity in Christ was an incredible discovery for me. Learning that I am valuable to Christ.

I believe their is a very BIG spiritual component to depression. I am not saying that depression is a sin or anything like that. If it is, I am in VERY big trouble. I am saying that if your focus is on Christ’s grace and love it helps.

Depression is something I struggle with everyday. Wanting to die is something I struggle with everyday. I don’t know if it is my flesh or Satan whispering these thoughts in my ear. I don’t have those answers all I know is I am in battle.

Renee asks what she can do to help those who are suffering depression. My answer, be a friend, develop a relationship with them, a relationship full of Christ’s love. Forget the rest, leave that to the experts.

I would do a lot for a friend who just wants to be my friend.

My point is this. I believe that depression is partially a spiritual disease. It steals the soul.

The sad truth is that I loathe myself. I dislike myself. I wish I was dead. That has been something that I have fought against for most of my life. Everyday I wish I was dead. Everyday I visualize it and think about it.

I loathe myself so much I dishonor God. I purposefully sin. I purposefully set myself up to fail to despise myself more.

God please forgive me for my stupidities! All the time I know I don’t deserve your grace. I am just tired Lord, I wish I could find peace but I have none in my heart. I just have despair and sadness. Please help me lord. Please help me do your will, despite my wishes just to die. I hate who I am and I need your help to transform. Please forgive me for my sins and sinful thinking.

What good is it that no matter what I do I feel like a failure. I every once in a while feel like I am on your path and I feel like I am doing the right thing and then I screw up. I hurt someone. I make a mistake and I am jumped on like I am the biggest screwup in the world. Maybe I am not jumped on but that is what it seems like in my head.

How do you tell people that more days than not, you wish you were dead. How do I even approach the Lord. I never have deserved his Grace and as much as anyone else. I just want to die. It is not something easily discussed. People don’t get it. I don’t get it. It is what I am feeling. Maybe it is Satan whispering in my ear. Maybe it is my flesh. What ever it is, it is real in my head. It is a battle. I am not winning it right now.

How shamed I am by the way I think and feel and am thankful God has grace. I will live by HIS will and not mine. Thank you Lord for your love and Grace.

In your name
Amen