The sad truth is that I loathe myself. I dislike myself. I wish I was dead. That has been something that I have fought against for most of my life. Everyday I wish I was dead. Everyday I visualize it and think about it.

I loathe myself so much I dishonor God. I purposefully sin. I purposefully set myself up to fail to despise myself more.

God please forgive me for my stupidities! All the time I know I don’t deserve your grace. I am just tired Lord, I wish I could find peace but I have none in my heart. I just have despair and sadness. Please help me lord. Please help me do your will, despite my wishes just to die. I hate who I am and I need your help to transform. Please forgive me for my sins and sinful thinking.

What good is it that no matter what I do I feel like a failure. I every once in a while feel like I am on your path and I feel like I am doing the right thing and then I screw up. I hurt someone. I make a mistake and I am jumped on like I am the biggest screwup in the world. Maybe I am not jumped on but that is what it seems like in my head.

How do you tell people that more days than not, you wish you were dead. How do I even approach the Lord. I never have deserved his Grace and as much as anyone else. I just want to die. It is not something easily discussed. People don’t get it. I don’t get it. It is what I am feeling. Maybe it is Satan whispering in my ear. Maybe it is my flesh. What ever it is, it is real in my head. It is a battle. I am not winning it right now.

How shamed I am by the way I think and feel and am thankful God has grace. I will live by HIS will and not mine. Thank you Lord for your love and Grace.

In your name
Amen

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