Indeed, if we consider the unblushing promises of reward and the staggering nature of the rewards promised in the Gospels, it would seem that Our Lord finds our desires, not too strong, but too weak. We are half-hearted creatures, fooling about with drink and sex and ambition when infinite joy is offered us, like an ignorant child who wants to go on making mud pies in a slum because he cannot imagine what is meant by the offer of a holiday at the sea. We are far too easily pleased.
C.S. Lewis
The Weight of Glory

Why is it that I find that the mud is far more attractive than the holiday at sea. It is something that I have been reflecting on a lot lately. The things that I want are to be love, to love, and to glorify God. What I do of course the second someone gets close to me, shows me love, shows me that I have value because God gave me value is go dive back into the mud hole just to be able to go “see, I am worthless”. Having strong desires and truly getting them met is very scary to me. I am comfortable in my sin. I feel I deserve my sin. I DESIRE my sin. But the sin is so empty, so meaningless.