How I Approach God When Feeling Rotten

November 17, 2008  |  By: John Piper

A vague bad feeling that you are a crummy person is not the same as conviction for sin. Feeling rotten is not the same as repentance.

This morning I began to pray, and felt unworthy to be talking to the Creator of the universe. It was a vague sense of unworthiness. So I told him so. Now what?

Nothing changed until I began to get specific about my sins. Crummy feelings can be useful if they lead to conviction for sins. Vague feelings of being a bad person are not very helpful. The fog of unworthiness needs to take shape into clear dark pillars of disobedience. Then you can point to them and repent and ask for forgiveness and take aim to blow them up.

So I began to call to mind the commands I frequently break. These are the ones that came to mind.

• Love God with all our heart, soul, mind and strength. Not 95%, 100%. (Matthew 22:37)
• Love your neighbor as you love yourself. Be as eager for things to go well for him as you are for things to go well for you. (Matthew 22:39)
• Do all things without grumbling. No grumbling—inside or outside. (Philippians 2:14)
• Cast all your anxieties on him—so you are not being weighed down by it anymore. (1 Peter 5:7)
• Only say things that give grace to others—especially those closest to you. (Ephesians 4:29)
• Redeem the time. Don’t fritter or dawdle. (Ephesians 5:16)
• Set your mind on things that are above. Connect all your thoughts to Christ. (Colossians 3:2)
• Do not return evil for evil—like when your wife or daughter says something you don’t like. (1 Thessalonians 5:15)
• Rejoice always, and again I say rejoice. Always. If sorrowful, keep rejoicing. (Philippians 4:4; 2 Corinthians 6:10)
• Give thanks in all circumstances. All. All. All. (1 Thessalonians 5:18)

So much for any pretensions to great holiness! I’m undone.

But now it is specific. I look it in the eye. I’m not whining about feeling crummy. I’m apologizing to Christ for not keeping all that he commanded. I’m broken and I’m angry at my sin. I want to kill it, not me. I’m not suicidal. I’m a sin hater and a sin murderer (“Put to death what is earthly in you” Colossians 3:5. “Put to death the deeds of the body” Romans 3:18.)

In this conflict, I hear the promise, “If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just to forgive us our sins and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness” (1John 1:9). Peace rises. Prayer feels possible and right and powerful again.

We are at the end of the holiday season. A time for togetherness, family and love. The holiday season has always been a very hard time for me. From the first of November to the first week of January, I want to hide, hibernate in my apartment. Let’s just say I do not have an idyllic relationship with my family and I always seemed to bring everyone else down or cause problems.

This holiday season, my mind has been drifting to the parable of the “Prodigal (Lost) Son” in Luke 15. The prodigal lived life with his father who loved him. He was attracted to the world by the seeming glitz, glamor and freedom. The prodigal was unhappy with his home life and was convinced he would find the happiness he so richly deserved out in the world. He left home, only to find out how deceptive and empty all of that is. He spent everything, had nothing and became everything he despised. He decided he should go home, at least his father would treat him no worse than the other employees. He expected to come home to be chastised and to be treated like a slave/employee. He came home and was celebrated over and shown how much he is loved.

This year kicking and screaming and with much fan fair (thanks I think, you know who you are), I turned 40 years old. A realization hit me (God dropped an anvil on my head). I finally came home. I came home to my Father and my family. I was celebrated over and shown how much I am loved. I came home to the Father I never knew that I had, to be loved in a way I never knew possible.

I grew up in a reformed Jewish home. I might even go as far as saying that my family agnostic. They at the very least feel that faith in God is not something to be discussed, but most likely do not really know in their mind if God exists. Growing up, there always seemed something missing out of my life. I fell into depression and acting out. I became uncontrollable at home. As I grew older it always seemed that something was missing from my life. I say that with 20/20 hindsight. I am not even sure if I knew that something was missing. I grew more and more desperate to fill that hole inside me. The more desperate I became the farther away from God I went. I slowly became everything that I hated. I was extremely depressed, very unstable and ready to die. In May 2005 somehow, someway God reached out to me and started me on the journey home to a home I never knew I had.

I have made it home to a Father that loved me so much that he created a world where he could show us His love. Even though we failed him, and became everything he hated, our Father paved a road to salvation with the blood of His only begotten Son Jesus. Our Father took the wrath and punishment we deserved and took it out on His only begotten Son in order to be able to be with us. I have come home to a church family of sisters and brothers in Christ that reflects that love. I have come home to where I belong to live a life, with a purpose and fulfillment of glorifying our God and His Son Jesus Christ.

It is with my new family I celebrate this time of year. Celebrate the birth of our King, celebrate the love of our God. Thank you God for being my Father, and Christ for being my King. Thank you to all my church family and brothers and sisters of Christ that have taken me in and have continuously reflected God’s love.

God bless you All!

Technorati Tags: Add new tag, Gospel, Jesus Christ, Prodigal, Salvation

Whenever my life seems to fall apart , that seems about every week, I feel I have no right to share my life journey with God. Maybe I have that backwards. Maybe as my life is falling apart I need to be writing and sharing

I don’t claim to be smart. I don’t claim to be a teacher. I am not a bible scholar. I wish I was sometimes. All I am is a struggling Christian trying to follow my Savior and to live a life that glorify Him.

Technorati Tags: Depression

All I have to do is look up to my Father in Heaven,
my Savior, my King, the Lord in Heaven.

I just wonder why it is so hard to remember…

Technorati Tags: Depression, God