There is a place in my mind’s eye where I can kneel down at the foot of the cross of Christ. I come here to submit myself to my King

Something I needed to be reminded of today…

Jeremiah 29:11 For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.

I have spent most of my life wishing I was dead.

I just realized I succeeded.

I killed my old self when I put him on the cross with CHRIST.

I DIED only to be reborn a new creation in CHRIST!

You got to admit that someONE has a pretty ironic but very good sense of humor!

Living Waters Bible Camp has this instrument of torture called the tower.

It is 50 feet high, several climbing surfaces on it to get up and a zip line to come down. Supposedly the easiest way to climb up was a ladder made out of a telephone pole.

Someone was even kind of enough to provide me my own personal “torturer” a very strong-willed young lady got it in her head that I needed to climb the tower. I resisted for every reason I could think of. She went and got her mother to help encourage me (nag me, hound me, harass me, threaten me). I am sure that it was in the most Christian loving way possible. Just a word of advise, NEVER cross the women of this family, you ultimately will do what they want. I did!

I went got a harness on and started climbing up the telephone. I got 10-15 feet up and froze. I had a panic attack. I came down. I failed but wanted to try again next time.

Fast Forward to this summer
I really wanted to climb the tower. I wanted to make my friend proud and to go down the zipline with her. My friend’s family has been “encouraging me” about it for months and when the time came I was determined to get up this tower.

God had a different plan…

I started climbing and I got past the point where I stopped last year. I kept going. I climbed past the half way point and kept going.

Stop here for a second; What would of happened if I got to the top of the tower? My friend would of probably been proud of me or at the very least say some smart-alecy comment. We would of strapped on the harness for the zip line and went down having a good time. Nothing wrong with this scenario, but it would not be as memorable.

Of course that isn’t what happened…

I kept going until my hands and fingers were numb and that they had no strength in them. I could not hold myself steady using my hands in order to make the next step up the pole. I could not shake out the pain. I slipped, I fell probably not even a foot because I was locked into a harness contraption. I ended up hanging there until one of the most talented climbers I have ever seen came and strapped me into another harness and was lowered down to the ground. (This is what everyone else sees).

Let me give you a little more perspective on this:
I am strapped in 30 feet in the air, in pain both emotionally and physically. I can’t go up and I can’t go down because of the way the harness is. I slipped the harness stopped me from falling just like it was designed to do. The panic and depression started in on me. I couldn’t get up this stupid tower!! I felt like a failure. I felt useless. But only for a SECOND! I look up and there is my incredible friend giving me the exact words I needed to hear to “trust in the Lord“, encouraging me to pray, she was completely focused on me. I prayed. The Lord banished the feelings of failure and uselessness and I was able to focus on him.

When they lowered me down to the ground I fell to my knees and I praised God for being with me, for teaching me and reminding me.

My friend raced down the tower (I have no clue how) came over, in tears and told me how much she cared about me (I don’t think I will ever understand her, but am very thankful that she is my friend). I was in a fog lost within the experience. Trying to sort out everything that was happening.

God provided me with everything I needed that day. He provided me with courage and strength to attempt the climb (or was it fear of my friend and her mom ”encouraging me more“, if I didn’t try [ok so I am not funny]). He reminded me that at the worse of times, when I am most helpless I MUST depend on him. He provided me with the right person at the right time to be my friend, my encourager. That day changed me. It set me on a path where I decided I absolutely need to focus my life on God, his grace and love. It was the day when I realized that my depression could no longer rule my life. Depression will most likely be a part of my life for a long time to come and I have the Lord to help me battle against it, but I have a new ruler now, his name is Jesus Christ!

I am not sure if anyone will ever understand what a powerful and life changing experience that was for me. In one moment God showed me that He loved me and that I am to rely on HIM and on top of it that no matter what I want to believe I have people who care about me and love me.

Have no doubts I intend to try the tower again next summer. Either I will succeed or not, that will be up to God. When it is time for me to climb to the top of the tower, I have no doubt I will succeed because he will provide a way! (I am hoping there are not that many more lessons for me on the tower because I still have to do the swing (Yikes)).

I may have failed climbing the tower, but God has given me a much better gift.

Kneeling at the foot of the cross?

Another one from Charlie Hall

Song of the Redeemed
We sing it in the darkest place?Cause love is in Your powerful name?Shine the light of beauty and grace?We’re living in the name that can save
We sing to You the song of the redeemed??You’ve beautified our hearts and made us clean?You’ve rescued us from death and set us free?We sing to You the song of the redeemed
?We adore You and before You,?forgiven  and  redeemed?All races from all places, around the cross we sing

I haven’t forgotten about this blog.

I have been struggling a lot lately with things and struggling with if I should talk about them on the blog. Here are kind of my issues in my mind:
• This is my blog. This is a PERSONAL Blog.
• The blog is meant to document MY walk with Christ. This includes the ups and downs. The wins, the losses, the battles that I fight.
• This blog is also about the areas where I struggle and the process I use to solve those struggles.
• This blog is about being a person who struggles with self-esteem, suicidal ideation and depression and how my Christian walk is influenced by those plagues of the devil.
• This blog is also a place for people to discuss Biblical concepts and gain more understanding about Christ.
• What I do not want this to be is a constant whine and complaints about my personal life.
• The blog will be a potpourri of subjects to glorify God.
• I worship the God of relationships! God wants to know what is in my heart. I don’t know if I can say the same for my fellow man.
• I write this blog for God, to enhance my relationship with God, to glorify God.
• If people read this, I hope they are able to take something away from what I write. Not “poor Todd”. Maybe just maybe I can give someone out their an idea that will make a difference in their life. A way to enhance their relationship with the Lord or whatever.

My point being that i write this blog for two reasons. First and foremost is to document the changes that God makes in me and the things that I learn from him. I am in the process of being transformed. I struggle with this process. Sometimes I feel that Christians don’t want to talk about the struggles outside their own family or family group. So to an outsider they look like they never struggle. I don’t have that luxury. My family is not saved. I don’t get along with them very well. I also have few very close friends and always am very conscious and very concern about being a burden to them. There probably are other people who feel the way that I do.

What am I saying? I am saying my blog is going to be a potpourri of different aspects of my life, everything from what I am personally struggling with to new aspects of my relationship with our Lord, to philosophical discussions about life and our relationship with the Lord. God wants a personal relationship with us. It is going to be whatever the Lord brings in to my heart…

Patrick Mead talks about how the Poetry section is the PDR (Physicians Desk Reference) of the Bible. His point being is that section of the Bible shows that God is fully aware of how “squirrelly we are and how we swing from one mood to another based on a wide variety of internals and externals”.

King David didn’t just write the good stuff about his life. David questions, argues, feels hopeless, is angry, sins, redeems himself in his writings. No matter what he writes he shows his faith and glorifies God. I don’t claim to be anything close to King David in stature, relationship to God or writing skill. But I do feel that it shows that it is ok for me to write about these things.

We Christians live in the world but are not suppose to be a part of it. I try to separate myself from the world, sometimes I feel Satan grabs my leg, pulls and slams me back down into the world. Most times though I jump back into the world, more comfortable with sin than the eternal way.

This is the battle, and of this is what I write…

Lyrics from Charlie Hall:

I Will Overcome!
And I can see that my hands are trembling, I can see that my legs are weak
I can see that my head is spinning, but I will overcome
And I know that my heart is hurting, And I know that my soul it aches
And I know that it seems I’m failing, but I will overcome, yeah

Chorus:
O Lord I’m strong in You, O Lord I am wise in You
O Lord I can see in You, so I will overcome
O Lord I’m loved by You, O Lord I am free in you
O Lord I’m complete in You
So I will overcome, I will overcome, I will overcome

Bridge:
God listen to me shout, I’m so far from anywhere and I’m calling out
Lead me, lead me to the rock that is higher than I
You’re my breath, You’re my breath, You’re my very life
Infinite, Holy King meets weak and frail Christ in me
And I will overcome not by my strength but by Your grace and love

One of my favorite blogs that I read is one written by Patrick Mead. His blog is called Tent Pegs. I try to read once or twice a week (with or without new content there). He writes in such a way which rings true in my heart. I strongly suggest that you put it on your to read list every week. His last two articles on his blog has hit me hard. Here is a summary of them:

“Decisions in Marriage“
You only own one thing: your power to decide. All your possessions can be taken from you by an army, an illness, or an attorney. Your health can disappear overnight. Your reputation can be trashed by your own behavior or by the entirely specious claims of another.

But you can always decide how you will react, what you will do.It goes on of course to discuss how you can make good decisions in dealing with your spouse, etc. The advise though works in all aspects of your life, the thing that always seem to forget is that reaction is not necessarily suppose to be an automatic thing. It can be thought out and it can be counter intuitive to what you initially want to do.

”The Secret“Want to have a happy life? Want to find joy even in the hard times? Here is the secret:

Like what you’ve got. Want what you have.
Both of these things are so simple they are difficult, but isn’t that always the case. In both cases the advise is so straightforward but takes a lot of effort to do. It is really only through God’s grace that we can do those things on a daily basis.

The last several weeks for me have been extremely stressful and worrisome. Most of it of course created in my own mind.

Thursday for me was a disaster, emotionally. I sat and anticipated what Friday was going to be like for me. My stress level raised, my anger level raised. I was ready to explode. I had a lot of work to do and I kept getting pulled away from it. The more I thought about Friday the more that angry and depressed I got. I thought about calling in sick and/or even quitting.

Friday morning came and I woke up. I definitely had the “dreads”. I sat down at my desk and prayed for just a minute or two and put an entry into my “Letter to the Lord” journal. I prayed for help to get through the day with a good attitude and do everything I can to serve him.

Between the prayer and the writing it was five minutes of work.

The difference between Thursday and Friday were definitely there. I was extremely busy, but my attitude and emotions stayed good. There were a few times where emotions tried to get a hold of me but the Peace of God overwhelmed them. I got a lot accomplished and I came out having a very good day.

It definitely showed me how important that time with God is.