One of the unspoken questions that I think my family has is why do I believe in Christ.

My answer is simple: God loves me.
(Sorry i stole that answer, but it is the perfect answer).

(I just hope you all know how hard it is for me to just leave the answer alone and not go off and write 5 pages on that!)

A friend of mine gave me a great idea. He said to start writing letters to God to tell him how you are doing, where you are at, etc. I think that is a phenomenal idea and will start doing that tonight, hopefully on a daily basis. These letters will be more personal between the Lord and I, and will not be published (for the most part).

I just thought what a wonderful way to communicate with the Lord!

Why is it that I listen to the serpent more than I listen to God? I turn to the world for answers that I know, that if I am lucky will only give me momentary relief, more than I turn to God, who has the ever right answers!

I am having one of those “duh” moments, where I realize what I am doing and just think to myself how stupid I am! This is a thought that has been percolating in my mind for the last couple of weeks, but finally hit the done stage.

Three of the big issues in my life are depression, anger, and pride in its many forms. I am realizing more and more these issues leaves me vulnerable to the world, to my flesh and to Satan’s attacks. I find the more intense my depression, anger or pride is, the deeper that my sin goes. The lower that I go.

What convicts me most is that I can see the process happening inside me. I can see the decision making process going from trying to be faithful to God and basking in His grace to deciding to sin. I MAKE A CONSCIOUS DECISION TO SIN, I know what I am doing. I realize just how faithless I am at times. It seems the more desperate I am, the further I run away from God. What is happening in my mind, is that I am justifying the sin by saying it is a way to get back at the “idiot” who I am mad at. All I am really doing is hurting my relationship with God, the other person doesn’t even know what is going on. This is exactly what the enemy wants, he wants us to be separated from God.

The more that this issue tumbles around in my mind the more that I realize that I am not the only one who does it and that maybe it started with Adam and Eve. Look at the verses from Genesis 2:25-3:10. Same pattern, exactly.

Genesis 2:25           The man and his wife were both naked, and they felt no shame.

Now the serpent was more crafty than any of the wild animals the LORD God had made. He said to the woman, “Did God really say, ‘You must not eat from any tree in the garden’?”

Genesis 3:2           The woman said to the serpent, “We may eat fruit from the trees in the garden, 3but God did say, ‘You must not eat fruit from the tree that is in the middle of the garden, and you must not touch it, or you will die.’”

Genesis 3:4           “You will not surely die,” the serpent said to the woman. 5“For God knows that when you eat of it your eyes will be opened, and you will be like God, knowing good and evil.”

Genesis 3:6           When the woman saw that the fruit of the tree was good for food and pleasing to the eye, and also desirable for gaining wisdom, she took some and ate it. She also gave some to her husband, who was with her, and he ate it. 7Then the eyes of both of them were opened, and they realized they were naked; so they sewed fig leaves together and made coverings for themselves.

Genesis 3:8           Then the man and his wife heard the sound of the LORD God as he was walking in the garden in the cool of the day, and they hid from the LORD God among the trees of the garden. 9But the LORD God called to the man, “Where are you?”

Genesis 3:10           He answered, “I heard you in the garden, and I was afraid because I was naked; so I hid.”

Eve, was enticed by the serpent (world), would rather believe the serpent. She and Adam sinned against God and the time they needed God most, they hid. How sad it is that we started a pattern and that pattern has been imprinted on us ever since. The one person biblically speaking who continuously seemed to break the pattern was David. David definitely sin, but he also came back to the Lord over and over begging forgiveness and realizing how he doesn’t deserve God’s Grace. Psalm 51 is the one that I am thinking of.

Psalms 51:1           Have mercy on me, O God,
                according to your unfailing love;
        according to your great compassion
                blot out my transgressions.
2        Wash away all my iniquity
                and cleanse me from my sin.
3        For I know my transgressions,
                and my sin is always before me.
4        Against you, you only, have I sinned
                and done what is evil in your sight,
        so that you are proved right when you speak
                and justified when you judge.
5        Surely I was sinful at birth,
                sinful from the time my mother conceived me.
6        Surely you desire truth in the inner parts;
                you teach me wisdom in the inmost place.

Psalms 51:7           Cleanse me with hyssop, and I will be clean;
                wash me, and I will be whiter than snow.
8        Let me hear joy and gladness;
                let the bones you have crushed rejoice.
9        Hide your face from my sins
                and blot out all my iniquity.

Psalms 51:10           Create in me a pure heart, O God,
                and renew a steadfast spirit within me.
11        Do not cast me from your presence
                or take your Holy Spirit from me.
12        Restore to me the joy of your salvation
                and grant me a willing spirit, to sustain me.

Psalms 51:13           Then I will teach transgressors your ways,
                and sinners will turn back to you.
14        Save me from bloodguilt, O God,
                the God who saves me,
                and my tongue will sing of your righteousness.
15        O Lord, open my lips,
                and my mouth will declare your praise.
16        You do not delight in sacrifice, or I would bring it;
                you do not take pleasure in burnt offerings.
17        The sacrifices of God are a broken spirit;
                a broken and contrite heart,
                O God, you will not despise.

Psalms 51:18           In your good pleasure make Zion prosper;
                build up the walls of Jerusalem.
19        Then there will be righteous sacrifices,
                whole burnt offerings to delight you;
                then bulls will be offered on your altar.

All I can do is keep trying to be more like David and remember the Lord when I am in crisis.

The blog is started, finally happy with the design and functionality. Be warned I will continue to adjust and tweak as time goes on. Some people say change is good. I guess we will find out.

May 2005 I started a journey that would transform my life. I became a disciple of Jesus Christ. This was a step of desperation. It was either turn my life over to Christ or die. I figured I had nothing to lose. If Christianity didn’t help me, I could always commit suicide.

A year later, I am in love with our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ and thankful for the Grace he has given me. I have a personal relationship with the Lord

In this last year I have struggled more, cried more and have been happier than I ever have in my life. This blog/journal is about my learning and my understanding on how to serve Jesus Christ in this fallen world.

This week at LWBC had been one of the most troubling and challenging weeks of my life. I have realized how much of my life has been and still is being eaten away by depression and self-hatred. I have said before in other journals that I have atrophied, my brain and now I am realizing my body. The cost was much more than I thought.

Coming from a life of depression to the Lord is something that is something that I really struggle with and also find far more difficult than one would think.

The disappointments have been many; the victories glorious. The intensity level of this experience has been extreme. My faith, my beliefs, my strength has been put to the test. Everything I am has been transformed , hopefully to further God’s will and not some lousy trick of the devil.

My body is sore and weak, my mind is processing information at a tremendous rate. I have so many things going through my mind. Some good, some bad. Some planted by Christ, others trying to supplant the Love of God.

How do I process this information. How do I make sense of it. How do I not self-sabotage myself and destroy God’s work inside me. How do I make sure that I process this right and not let Satan twist it in my mind.

As I started this entry I realized that my journey as a Christian, new or otherwise is from death to life. From the atrophied death of depression to the Christ-full mind of a disciple.

I don’t know for sure if this week was what I would call a good week. I would say it was an extremely challenging week stretching me more than I expected.

I came to LWBC to serve the Lord. I have to admit that I am not serving the Lord the way that I want to. I came knowingly to serve as a dishwasher, but so wanted to serve by being a teacher. I only was able to give a couple minute testimony last night at the camp fire, but I felt that the way it was set up, that the time was for them and not not for me.

There is a part of me that is angry and disappointed that I was not able to say more. There also is a part of me wonders do I have a right to be a teacher. I had many ups and downs, in my life, even in this experience this week. What right do I have to think I can teach. It is what I really want. I want so much to make an impact in people’s life by the Lord using me to teach. I may not be to the level that Chuck is or that others are at. But I do have a message.

The question of my teaching, and testimony, is that about my vanity or is it truly the Lord’s work. It is a question which i don’t think I really have an answer for right now. I sound like a whiny little brat a lot.

Tower
Determined to face my fears
Girded with confidence,
Needing to prove to myself
No longer scared
Starting Strong
One step at a time

Needing to conquer
Climbing higher and higher
vain in my confidence
Reaching towards the top

Strength waning
Fingers slipping
Losing momentum
I can’t do it alone
I am going to fall
I am going to fail

A voice to focus on.
A prayer whispered
Holding on to the faith
Falling far, but locked in place
Praying harder, scared, hurt but confident
The Lord will provide.

Lowered down in weakness
bowing to the King
Greeted with Love
Lesson learned
Failure defeated, Victory WON!

Dear Lord
This unfaithful, unworthy servant of yours is trying to serve your purpose at LWBC. I struggle with the means you wish me to do it. I struggle with my pride and with my arrogance. I am sorry I am not as good of a servant tat I want to be. I struggle with my pride, my arrogance, and my depression. I hurt Lord, in my heart I hurt so much. I am lonely. I am sad. I am hear with all sorts of people and I feel alone. I am sorry Lord that I am such a miserable servant. Please help me become a better servant and more content in my position over the next week. I want to serve you, I just don’t know how.

Please give me the knowledge Lord. Please give me the patience and skill to be in the dishwashing and to be a good servant of yours. I want to give to you everything I am, but am finding that I am struggling with it. I know that sounds stupid.

Please forgive my sins of anger, pride, and my lying thinking I could e a good servant. Please teach me to be a humble servant of yours.

In your worthy name I pray
amen

Song of the Redeemed
Em        G ?We sing it in the darkest place?C2?Cause love is in Your powerful name?Em       G?Shine the light of beauty and grace?C2?We’re living in the name that can save
C2        D         Em?We sing to You the song of the redeemed?C2         D         Em?You’ve beautified our hearts and made us clean?C2       D          Em?You’ve rescued us from death and set us free?C2       D         Em?We sing to You the song of the redeemed
C2         G      Am        C2?We adore You and before You,?G        Am        C2?forgiven  and  redeemed?C2     G        Am       C2       G        Am                 C2?All races        from all places, around the cross we sing

Comments for an article that Patrick Mead who writes Tent Pegs
http://tentpegs.blogspot.com/2006_07_01_tentpegs_archive.html

I really appreciate your blog. I like it’s honesty. I really appreciate this post because this is a subject which I deal with all the time. In fact I am someday going to start a blog about my struggles of depression, and anger and being a Christian.

I have suffered from depression for the last 32 years. I have always had it. I have gone to several psychiatrist, even more counselors and have been on even more medication. All of them worked to some way, shape or form. In general that relief never lasted. Note: I am not saying this to say that other people won’t benefit from therapy or from medication. I am one of those who are med-resistant.

I am a new Christian, I gave my life to Christ just over a year. Learning who my identity in Christ was an incredible discovery for me. Learning that I am valuable to Christ.

I believe their is a very BIG spiritual component to depression. I am not saying that depression is a sin or anything like that. If it is, I am in VERY big trouble. I am saying that if your focus is on Christ’s grace and love it helps.

Depression is something I struggle with everyday. Wanting to die is something I struggle with everyday. I don’t know if it is my flesh or Satan whispering these thoughts in my ear. I don’t have those answers all I know is I am in battle.

Renee asks what she can do to help those who are suffering depression. My answer, be a friend, develop a relationship with them, a relationship full of Christ’s love. Forget the rest, leave that to the experts.

I would do a lot for a friend who just wants to be my friend.

My point is this. I believe that depression is partially a spiritual disease. It steals the soul.

The sad truth is that I loathe myself. I dislike myself. I wish I was dead. That has been something that I have fought against for most of my life. Everyday I wish I was dead. Everyday I visualize it and think about it.

I loathe myself so much I dishonor God. I purposefully sin. I purposefully set myself up to fail to despise myself more.

God please forgive me for my stupidities! All the time I know I don’t deserve your grace. I am just tired Lord, I wish I could find peace but I have none in my heart. I just have despair and sadness. Please help me lord. Please help me do your will, despite my wishes just to die. I hate who I am and I need your help to transform. Please forgive me for my sins and sinful thinking.

What good is it that no matter what I do I feel like a failure. I every once in a while feel like I am on your path and I feel like I am doing the right thing and then I screw up. I hurt someone. I make a mistake and I am jumped on like I am the biggest screwup in the world. Maybe I am not jumped on but that is what it seems like in my head.

How do you tell people that more days than not, you wish you were dead. How do I even approach the Lord. I never have deserved his Grace and as much as anyone else. I just want to die. It is not something easily discussed. People don’t get it. I don’t get it. It is what I am feeling. Maybe it is Satan whispering in my ear. Maybe it is my flesh. What ever it is, it is real in my head. It is a battle. I am not winning it right now.

How shamed I am by the way I think and feel and am thankful God has grace. I will live by HIS will and not mine. Thank you Lord for your love and Grace.

In your name
Amen

Reading the Bible is a fairly new thing for me. Patrick Mead has two very fascinating articles on the Psalms. He has taken a part of the Bible which I am not sure I would read unless I had to and has shown me reasons why I should read them and the value they have in our relationship with the Lord.

A Psalms Kind of Love

The Bible’s PDR

Patrick Mead is one of my favorite bloggers. He is a preaching minister at Rochester Church of Christ, public speaker and professor. I find not only do I like the style that he blogs, but I find that he inspires me to write. His writing style is something that can reach anyone, challenge us and show love at the same time. It is not overly intellectual, or beyond the reach of many. He writes to all of us. He writes about his life and what he sees. He has a very sharp sense of humor and is able to always find a way to make his point. I make it a point each week to read both his blogs. His blogs are:

Tent Pegs

Patrick’s other blog